Letter to the faded one..

I remember how we made headway from being each other’s life to meagre existences. Who’s to say things will get better. I keep looking for that little hope that they say is in me. I barely manage to make it past the hurt.
Time has probably numbed me. I don’t cry to sleep anymore. I don’t look at the grey clouds with despondency anymore. I don’t wait for your calls every day anymore. I just resound your voice in my head. Over and over again. I just remember the goodbye you managed to choke amidst those tears and pain.
Maybe you’re in a better place. Maybe you’re much happier there than here. Maybe you deserve better. But our forever..maybe it still exits in this world somewhere.
I look at myself and all I see is my reflection in the million pieces of glass shattered all over the place. And I bleed my hands looking through all those pieces, searching you in them. Cause you were there a little while back. Kissing me on the neck when I was wearing the tinklet you gave me that sultry evening.
Time has made me numb. The wounds might have healed. The scars..they still exist. Pain is the only thing that reminds me that whatever we had was real.
I don’t miss you. I don’t. But there are moments when it’s too quiet. Particularly late at night or early in the mornings. That’s when I know there’s something lacking in my life. I just know.
No one will ever know me like you did. I’ve made a promise to myself to never let anyone in. To never let anyone know my fears, my consternation and my desires. That way, I’ll always hold you special. As the last person who knew me that well.
I try to let go of you everyday. Every day is like a huge battle which I fight alone against you. And I seem to be winning it by an inch each day. With every day that passes me by, your memories fade a little, and a little I suppress. What scares me is exactly that. I don’t want to let go of the memories I’ve had with you, cause that’s the only thing I really have.
The pain is somewhat a welcomed guest now. It’s the only thing that reminds me that what we had was real.
That our love was true. When I hurt deep down, I know that you’re somewhere, out there, on this huge earth, probably doing your own stuff in your life which doesn’t have me anymore.
So many questions mar my head as I go to sleep every night.
I always wonder how life would have been different if we were still together. Would we be mature enough to not fight over trivial things? I wonder if you’ll ever find your way back to me, if I’ll ever find someone else like you, if my heart will beat like it did those nights. If I’ll ever stop thinking about you. About “US”.
In this weird way, I know you still miss me. I know you still think about me and wish me back. I know you sit there in your heartache, waiting for something beautiful. Waiting for a story, for your life to come back to you again.
Don’t you see this is what I want too? Don’t you know how much it hurts to see how you’re broken? Don’t you believe me enough to know that you’re better off without me?
It’s fate. It’s cruel. How can two people possibly love each other so much? How can two people forgive each other every time? How can two people still hang by the same rope when they know it’s going to fall? It’s like the “Gods” grew jealous that two people mean so much to each other, that they took you away from me and me from you.
I look up at the stars, hoping you’re doing the same. And somehow I feel closer to you. The distance shortens.
Doubts cloud my head every time I ask myself if I’m over you. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.
All I know is that I have a long way to go.
And then there are days I am on a happy high and I feel better off without you. And it’s those moments that I wish I could have shared with you.
Whenever you leave something you loved so much that meant the entire world to you, there comes a long process in reaction to it. You’re thrusted into something that feels like somewhere you’ve never been before, but it’s the exact same place you’ve been in. Sometimes your heart needs a long restart to realize how it feels to be off your sleeve, and back in your own chest. You can’t blame me for not trying. I’ve gone through seasons waiting for you with nothing changing but the weather, and I want to say that I’m okay being alone, but even if I said it, I wouldn’t mean it. To be quite honest, the only thing getting me through these days is the false hope that things are going to be okay, that they’re going to get better, but without you, I’m never okay.
Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never be fully fixed.
Maybe I’ll never call you up and tell you to come back. Maybe I’ll never walk back to you again. I’ll accept the present and embrace the future because I believe that the future is promising and it holds something special for me. Maybe I’ll look ahead and never behind
The forever we’d promised lasted till this moment here.


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