Tag Archives: Rain

The empty bench on a rainy night..

I remember that tranquilizing sound the crystal wind chime made as a gush of wind hit it..Ofcourse it was windy outside. And chilly.

Monsoons are here, I thought to myself, as I braced myself and ran. I was cold

This should do it..The running.It’ll keep me warm..

I stopped when I couldn’t breathe. I was warmed up enough to sit down to catch my breath. I looked around into the cold, wet, dark scenery that lay before me and scanned for a bench in the vicinity.

I don’t know how long I sat there..At first, I was okay; my mind preoccupied with making an effort to breath. The clouds above grumbled, threatening to tear apart any moment. But that wasn’t the only storm brewing.

After I found that I could breath easily, they came..rushing..Everything. Like lightning. A flash of it and everything I’d been holding on to was gone.

We’d hugged..It was more like an embrace. But then couples embrace, don’t they? It wasn’t even a hug; I stood there lifeless, cold and indifferent while he put his arms around me, pulled me in and let his tear drops fall on my bare neck. He held me like I was a ragged doll with cotton stuffing that would pour out if not held tightly. And with one last breath that tickled down my neck, he let me go. The lights had gone out a few hours back so we had to light a few candles. And now those candles, with all their wax melted, were dying out slowly. The wax, dripping onto the expensive carpets bothered me.

The room grew darker. The moment grew longer. The words lingering on our lips grew heavier. His fingers, holding remnants of me grew tighter. The once comfortable silence now turned ominous.

I had to go. I had to run away. I could not stand the sight of us breaking into pieces; just as I could not stand the sight of us filling each other with our stuffing..the sight of completing each other.

I was used to this void within me and everything that touched this empty space always served to open up a lot of doors..Doors I was afraid to open..I was constantly afraid of facing what was behind these doors and finding something that would only conjure up some kind of pain or feelings of any sort at all. I was okay not feeling anything all the time. I had to run. I had to go away. I had to go so I could live with myself.

“I hoped to love you someday..If you’d let me..”

I looked up from my bench and surveyed the population around me. No, he isn’t here. But I thought I’d heard him say his last few words again..The words he said before I ran out into the dark, rainy night.

I must keep running if I want to take my mind off things such as these..I must keep forgetting how to breath so that in making an effort to do so, I forget momentarily. I must keep running if I want to feel any warmth at all..

Just like the last time, I wiped the tears off my face with the back sleeve of my white pullover. Exasperated with the stain my smudged mascara made on the ivory white sweater, I picked my physical self up from the bench; self loathing touching orgasmic levels, and ran off into the much familiar darkness. Mentally, I was still there in that dark room with him, smiling at him when he smiled back at me after I told him that I wanted the same thing for us.

My ears kept ringing of that tranquilizing sound the crystal wind chime made as a gush of wind hit it..

I’d hoped to love you too..If I could let myself..

 

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Of bloodless rains..

This was wrong. Everything was wrong. The bed? It didn’t smell like hers. And she couldn’t remember why. Things spun out of her frontal lobe and her memory failed her.

“Goddamn”.

And then it all came back to her when she saw him.

It rained yesterday. Did they have rain sex?

She wouldn’t know, would she? But then again, she did.

He and his mother had another brawl again last night. A huge one this time. What the hell was she doing there in his house? She left him over a year ago! She just cannot walk in and out of his life as if in a theme park man?! What the fuck?!

So his mother noticed everyone but not her own daughter she had always neglected? What kind of a mother was she? Did she feel the need to sleep with yet another man after a divorce and a re marriage?

 “His temper”, she reminisced with a little smile. “Always gets the best of him”.

It was still raining when he came back. He was fucking angry and she knew it. He punched the wall, feeling utterly angry, disgusted and sick at the same time.

“It’s okay! It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” She held his face in her hands and made him look at her. She kept telling him that it was okay.

Anger turned into passion soon and he kissed her, pulling her close to him. He kissed her feeling angry and hurt at the same time. He hated everything and he kissed her in hate. He hated his mother, his father, his sister and he hated her the most. But he kissed her and she kissed him back.

Anger took it’s physical form and what they did not make love that night because it was imperative in the absurdest sense & seemed fitting. They made love bearing  pain, anger, sadness, resentment and hatred in heart. Time ceased to exist as a dimension in their world and they endlessly lost themselves to each other .

She saw him standing there, his hair messed up, torn jeans and over sized tee that did nothing to show off his toned abs with his car keys in his hand. And he looked at her the way he always did, the way she last remembered seeing him before he left her. He didn’t smile, no & he wasn’t condescending. But she knew that look.

“It’s been a year”, he said.

“And I still can’t forget you”, she said, reciting the line verbatum from the conversation she thought she would have with him if such a thing ever happened. 

As she put on her white tee and denim shorts with the rain pouring outside her blood rusted window, she reminded herself to buy fresh lillies for his grave.

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