Tag Archives: nights

The empty bench on a rainy night..

I remember that tranquilizing sound the crystal wind chime made as a gush of wind hit it..Ofcourse it was windy outside. And chilly.

Monsoons are here, I thought to myself, as I braced myself and ran. I was cold

This should do it..The running.It’ll keep me warm..

I stopped when I couldn’t breathe. I was warmed up enough to sit down to catch my breath. I looked around into the cold, wet, dark scenery that lay before me and scanned for a bench in the vicinity.

I don’t know how long I sat there..At first, I was okay; my mind preoccupied with making an effort to breath. The clouds above grumbled, threatening to tear apart any moment. But that wasn’t the only storm brewing.

After I found that I could breath easily, they came..rushing..Everything. Like lightning. A flash of it and everything I’d been holding on to was gone.

We’d hugged..It was more like an embrace. But then couples embrace, don’t they? It wasn’t even a hug; I stood there lifeless, cold and indifferent while he put his arms around me, pulled me in and let his tear drops fall on my bare neck. He held me like I was a ragged doll with cotton stuffing that would pour out if not held tightly. And with one last breath that tickled down my neck, he let me go. The lights had gone out a few hours back so we had to light a few candles. And now those candles, with all their wax melted, were dying out slowly. The wax, dripping onto the expensive carpets bothered me.

The room grew darker. The moment grew longer. The words lingering on our lips grew heavier. His fingers, holding remnants of me grew tighter. The once comfortable silence now turned ominous.

I had to go. I had to run away. I could not stand the sight of us breaking into pieces; just as I could not stand the sight of us filling each other with our stuffing..the sight of completing each other.

I was used to this void within me and everything that touched this empty space always served to open up a lot of doors..Doors I was afraid to open..I was constantly afraid of facing what was behind these doors and finding something that would only conjure up some kind of pain or feelings of any sort at all. I was okay not feeling anything all the time. I had to run. I had to go away. I had to go so I could live with myself.

“I hoped to love you someday..If you’d let me..”

I looked up from my bench and surveyed the population around me. No, he isn’t here. But I thought I’d heard him say his last few words again..The words he said before I ran out into the dark, rainy night.

I must keep running if I want to take my mind off things such as these..I must keep forgetting how to breath so that in making an effort to do so, I forget momentarily. I must keep running if I want to feel any warmth at all..

Just like the last time, I wiped the tears off my face with the back sleeve of my white pullover. Exasperated with the stain my smudged mascara made on the ivory white sweater, I picked my physical self up from the bench; self loathing touching orgasmic levels, and ran off into the much familiar darkness. Mentally, I was still there in that dark room with him, smiling at him when he smiled back at me after I told him that I wanted the same thing for us.

My ears kept ringing of that tranquilizing sound the crystal wind chime made as a gush of wind hit it..

I’d hoped to love you too..If I could let myself..

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

Late nights, Maadhyam and then some hospital.

It’s a nice feeling when one of the (only?) readers of your blog emails you inquiring why there haven’t been posts lately. Thankyou Hun :D

It’s gross the way people use their new found freedom to do shit they were never allowed to do. I feel bad and disgusted at the same time. Also, being in a completely new (not to mention Unsafe) place freaks me out. Mumbai by that standards is liberating. Stay out as late as you want and you’ll get back home safely. But Pune is a different story. To begin with, the place is oblivious to Thomas Alva Edison’s ground breaking innovation of the bulb that is modified to street lights. While the dark, ghastly streets may provide solace to people who need that kind of solace, people who need to return back to hostel on time and are strangers to the place need those photons to light up their way even if not like the flood lights that marr holywood frames. So when I’m forced to stay more than I’m comfortable in a place far away from the hostel I tend to get cranky and uncomfortable. Throw that with ounces of rain, thunder, lighting and very (VERY) unreasonable people and i’m in my worst behavior. And people are fucking dumb you know at times when you don’t need them to be dumb. They’ll do shit that could have been avoided. Also, what I don’t get is WHY would you not try to put someone so uncomfortable at ease by giving them some fucking leeway? Anyway, I hate such pretentious human beings.

Anywho, next came Maadhyam. My college fest. Nice and sweet. Best part was the way people (specially this friend of mine) were sucking up to the seniors to “ensure their place in the fest the next year” (I quote & I kid you not!). I mean I swear they would lick their poop if their Team Heads would tell them to. (And I paraphrase one of the seniors).

Moving on.

Mum’s in hospital. I’m with her. College breaks for diwali on Monday but I wanted to be with her. Little sister’s been going through incesstant stress what with taking care of mum and her IIT studies. So i’m assuming the role of the smoother over (if there exists such a word). First semester exams commence soon. Plus assignments *rolls eyes*.

Hospitals. The place I always wanted to be, waving my magic wand and healing people. I still feel that Symbiosis is not the place for me. But yes, we shall try yes?

I love how positively vibed hospitals are! Every nook and cranny is filled with lips muttering a silent prayer for their beloved ones. Every word that is spoken by the patient’s relatives is to summon divinity. There are people that rage a constant war against Death and his friends.

Flipside.

There are people that befriend Death and put an end to their long suffering. This hospital reeks of life and death, all at the same time. Of people and souls going away and others stepping into the world and the portals of this hospital.

There are people in recovery rooms who rush to tell their last stories to their grandchildren, handing down the legacy before they leave this world. There are nurses who keep updating the charts with the vitals. There are people who run away from these places in denial of their beloved’s death. And then there are people like me who look up into the humid Mumbai night sky and join those many others with a silent prayer on the lips as we take put and place a large part of faith into the hands of the one who rocks the cradle.

Tagged , ,
%d bloggers like this: