The only time I miss you is all the hours on the clock which you once taught me to read.
They say that you realize the true value of something when it’s gone. Ma, without you, time goes by so slowly, almost like it’s teasing me, challenging me to push myself to the brink of insanity in anticipation to get back home..get back to you. YOU make home ma. You’re the glue that binds all of us together. I hated the times you said I couldn’t do it, hated you when you said you were better off without me around. Hated you when you said you were sick of me & my nitty gritty issues. Hated you when you cried as I left for hostel.
I miss you screaming at me. The best time of my day used tot be getting back home to you, after tuitions & college. Getting back home to someone who truly loved me for whatever I am. All I get back to now, is an empty hostel room with no signs of your love. There’s no one who screams at me when I leave my shoes in the dining room now. No one to scream at me when my wardrobe is untidy. No one to talk to me about my day & night.
I remember how I hated eating meals at home. & now, all I really want is homemade food with lots of mummy love sprinkled onto it. You were a strong lioness mumma. You always protected your cubs from everything bad & everyone bad. I’m scared of this treacherous world, this world where one man’s food is another man’s poison, where everyone is in an unstoppable race, where everyone is manipulative & deceitful! I’m scared to take my steps without you, scared of living alone to survive among those manipulative breeds. Scared that the world will slowly impose it’s shadows on me. Scared that one day, it’ll all start slipping away.
I now realize how hard you work everyday just to see us happy, how tough it is being a mother. For me ma, you’re the most beautiful creation of Nature. You’re my guru, my best friend, my mentor, my defense & my mother.
I cannot fathom how irrevocably hard it is being away from something YOU created from your own self but ma, I’ll always be yours. I’ll always be a part of you & even though we’re apart, I always have you in my heart.
There’s this place we call home that YOU created with your own hands. I thought my sanctum lies elsewhere. I was wrong. My sacro sanctum is where I was created ma. My sacro sanctum is where YOU are. Every poem beaded for you is less. Every verse spun for you undermines how celestial you are. I know with every tear you cry, you wish I would come back to you. & with every tear I cry, I only wish to offer you solace. Solace that I’ll be there soon. Right beside you.
I hold on to your clip because I can feel you there mum. I can smell you on the dupatta I stole from your wardrobe. I feel so close to you then. I cry every night so that I can be strong the next day. I miss your laughter, your smile, your frown, the stress lines on your forehead. I know they’re all for me. & you’re mine. Every night, I go to sleep thinking I can’t do it without you..can’t go on for the next 3 years like this. I feel disheartened & discouraged. But your faith in me gives me that tiny mitigation I need.
How do you know what I like? What I hate? What scares me? Where I like to go? How do you know I’m sad just over the phone? How do you comprehend every emotion of mine mumma? Why does this distance suck? Why do I always wish I would come back home to you, to that anxious face that’s always on a look out for her kids returning home on time?
I was a fool for all those times I’d wished I would go away from you & papa. You’re right. Life outside the sheltered comfort of your home isn’t a merry-go-round. It’s a freaking roller coaster.
I miss you sooo much mum. I think about you everyday & all the time. & every night before I fall asleep, I pray to God to bring me to you. I love you mumma. & in some plane of existence, I’ll always find a way to be with you. Till then, you’re in my heart with the largest part.