Tag Archives: loneliness

Silent musings

The number of emotions a person feels in a span of mere 24 hours amazes me. It’s funny how the minutest of the things are pivotal in deciphering how the day’s gonna be, how “emotions” conflict & mutate giving rise to the unforeseen. & specially when you don’t know how you feel the way you do, it’s like everything’s on another page all together.
As of now, the last couple of hours have been weird. This night is vaguely & unusually sad. & I don’t know why.
Withdrawal symptoms? No.
PMS? No bro.
I don’t really know.

I guess I’m scared somewhere deep down. Scared that I’ve let too many people in too deep way too fast.
Scared that the more emotionally attached I get to people, the tougher the detachment would be. Scared of being in company & then feeling more alone than loneliness itself.

Loneliness. That’s what gives me my exuberance. The knowing that it’s just *me* I have to deal with gives me peace enough to not need anyone & become cold. But I’ve been there & even though it’s a pleasant place to be in, it hampers almost all relations that matter – family, best friends, siblings you get the drift.

Why would it be any different anyway? All people really do is enter & exit my life at their disposition & comfort. I’ve lost so many close people in my life that I take it that it is deemed to happen always. I’m beginning to think it’s my fault..that there’s some flaw in me. & I love myself way too much to think like that about myself.

New relations/bonds in my life are probably the reason. I’ve been getting really close to some people lately. Don’t get me wrong, I like being there for someone when they need an ear. But..pouring myself out in front of them is something that I am not totally in favor of. Not because I don’t trust them.
Because I know they’ll leave too. & getting emotionally attached hurts more when it’s over. & I’m not being hypocritical, but it’s a coercion. It *has* to happen – people leaving me. & it’s not like I really care. But it hampers my faith in people..in humanity & all things good.
So when I break down or am about to tell one of my best friends my problem, there’s a lil voice in my head that goes like, “Wait up yo. Don’t trust no one. They’re gonna leave & you’re gonna hurt”. So I don’t because I love myself.
& because time’s proven me right.

I hate asking myself if I’m doing the right thing by trusting people, if I’m ready to hurt again when they leave, if I have strength enough to resist becoming cold.

It was a perfect evening! I was happy. People around me were happy. I was having fun on my BBM & poof. All the laughter evaporates into thin air.
No idea bro.

I read this somewhere :
“The pearls weren’t really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little
knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that..knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn’t come apart.”

I probably like the idea of being alone way to much.

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Realm of life

As I write this, I talk to a friend who’s apparently at a bar, drinking away to glory (and adding a milestone for the alcohol companies in the long run by spending it all on liquor).
“I feel lonely” he says. I scoffed. Is he crazy?
At this moment, there are exactly : 6,775,235,741 people in this world. 1,155,347,678 people in India.
11,914,398 people in Mumbai.
And ostensibly 200 people at the bar he’s at.
And he says he’s lonely?
I scoff again. Is he crazy?

I tried to recall the time *I* was ever so lonely in life. I found a stray memory and suppressed it almost immediately.
And then I started digressing.

WHY do you feel lonely in a room full of people? There are about 6billion people in this world. WHY do you feel alone amidst so many people? What instills this loneliness? Is it because someone you loved, left? Or because NO ONE seems to understand what you’re feeling?
Why do people leave? Why do they come to our lives if all they have to do at the end is *leave*? Why do people turn their backs when you need them? When we have friends and families, why do we still pay a counselor to hear us out? Why is alcohol the favorite resort to get out of the melancholic life? Why does a song hurt?
Why do we feel lonely in a room full of people?..
I guess in a lot of ways, humans resemble the deep seas. We hide inside us our fears and insecurities like the sea hides the wrecked ships and carcass of the dead, expecting someone to dig it out and give it a fine burial forever. We always expect people to help us. Help us with a job. Help us feel better. Help give us courage. Like the sea, we do not let go of the past. We keep it buried within us and form another sea bed over the past. And once in a while, like the waves bring up a little old sand, we reflect back on the past and suddenly everything comes back crashing. The sadness. The emotions. The hurt. The loneliness. We look for a place, a person, a thing to hold on to. Like the sea, we create a turmoil within us to keep us distracted from the hurt. We loose hope and with it, our way, little knowing that amidst the carcass and ship wrecks lie the precious pearls in oysters. We don’t see the light of hope that lies within the very being of us.

Every night, when I go to bed, I never think about my day. I think about the next day. I plan little things to do the next day. I don’t think about the day because I don’t like reliving the “bad” memories of the day. In a way I run away from unpleasant things and gain pleasure from things that appeal to me.
Everyone does that!
Why do we do that?
Because no one wants to face reality. Notice how “bad/uneventful” is a synonym to “Nightmares”. After a good day, no one goes like “Dude today was a dream” as opposed to a bad day where people go like “Today was a nightmare”. Note how we connect bad things to “nightmares”.
Nightmares mean “bad dreams”. So we take the easy way out and denote bad things to be a “dream”, which is opposite to “reality”.
And here we run the marathon once again. We run away from things that we don’t like, viewing them as dreams/nightmares, finding comfort in the same.
So before I sleep, the last thing on my mind shouldn’t be the bad things that happened to me. It’s almost like a rhetort now.
Observe this- When we have bad days, we always blame someone. We blame God. “Why God? Why do we have to endure these bad days?”. The irony being that we never blame God for the good days. We take the credits. “Oh I strived so hard for this”.
Paraphrasing my previous sentence “Why God? Why do we have to endure these good days”. It doesn’t make sense right?
So I infer that we tend to always blame someone for every small thing that sucks.
We blame our cell phones for not waking us on time.
We blame the traffic for delaying us to work.
We blame the Government of ineffiency, our parents for not giving us what we needed, our friends for not being there.
We blame our exes for our loneliness.
And we wonder why we feel so lonely in a room full of people.
What if we took the blame for everything? What would be the worst case scenario?
What if the next time I fail at a task, I say “That was my fault”. The minute one accepts his fault, the world weaves around threads of possibilities and creates room for improvement.
So the next time I’m lonely, I’m gonna say “I’m lonely because of me! I wanna be lonely. No wait, that’s stupid right! Hell I DON’T wanna be lonely”.

How many times have they said that the world is a cruel place? It’s cliche. It will be passed on to generations. Ours is a generation that will break it’s heart looking for love. Ours is a generation that’s always rushing. They say that every human is linked to the other for humanity sake.
If so, then why didn’t anyone stop by for this friend of mine and ask him why’s he’s low? Why did people break his trust over time?
I’m not forming “judgments” about anyone here. All I wanna ask is WHERE IS THAT HUMANITY? Is it just to make the paper look good?
Why do people leave a void when they go away? Why do we miss them so much that it begins to hurt? Why do we loose the thing we value the most in life? Why does that job we were so sure of getting slip into someone else’s hand?
I guess that is why people don’t bother. They’ve had their hearts broken before. And they know that if they emotionally connect to someone again, they’re just going to end up getting hurt again. It isn’t that no one bothers. It is that no one *wants* to bother because then it opens a room for conversation and you know what happens then. So in a way, we’re all in our cocoons, protected from the world outside, healing and evolving inside.
No one bothers, so no one hurts. It isn’t being “selfish” or “self-centred”. No. It’s about ending the realm of possibilities to hurt again.
And that’s why we’re always lonely, all by ourselves, even in a room full of people.

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