Tag Archives: desires

Goodbye

It’s the same bloody thing every time. You walk into someone’s life..start reaching out and before you know, it’s already time to say goodbye. I fucking hate that word but for some reason, my life has formed an unending parasitic bond with the word. It’s always been about people walking in and walking out.

The funniest thing is that it does not stir any sort of emotion now. Sure there’s this stomach clenching feeling and there’s this big fat lump in my throat because I only know too well how it goes. How the collateral damage feels.

Every person who’s walked into my life has taught me the same thing over and over again: Don’t trust or let people in; talk to them from behind your walls. But I’m sick of learning the same fucking thing again and again. I hate that page and I wish I could erase every word.

Or maybe rip that page apart, burn it and warm my hands in the fire. But for sake of sanity, I have imbibed the teachings only too well, learnt to apply it in real life; except for this vestigial organ they call the heart that yearns to unlearn all those lessons for this unbearable ache and desire to see light.

There is no light though. I don’t want there to be any. I’ve seen it and it’s bright and warm for some time but after someone decides that too much of it has been felt, the same light burns and blinds; so much that you forget to see anything around you. Or anyone around you. I don’t mind plunging into darkness. I’m not afraid of it; only too familiar with its workings and patterns. You can hide; stay oblivious to things you don’t want to see, things you don’t want to feel. It’s not scary, nor is it lonely. It’s safe, protected. You feel like a snail inside a dark shell and you don’t feel like leaving; You only feel like staying in forever and soon, you make it Home.

It doesn’t matter how many people come knocking your door, holding a kerosene lamp, offering you to show the way. You forget everything. The darkness around you slowly pilfers into every pore and slowly creep into your heart in spiraling motions, churning out the insides to make place for this Darkness. It isn’t a disease, no; it’s Acceptance. Of things that will never come your way..things that you hold in your heart..wishes and longings that will never come true. And when you let go of all this, you need to let something fill the void.

People try to fill this void. Little do they know that every nook of this four chambered machine is stone cold. Frozen. Dead. No amount of warmth gets it beating; no amount of knocking helps either for the hinges rusted over time do not as little as move 1/8th  of a degree. They keep knocking, keep wanting it; some even fall in love with this darkness but for how long can you keep knocking without hurting your own fingers? They give up and turn away, leaving you with another goodbye in your carefully decorated jar of goodbyes.

This Goodbye jar eventually fills upto the brim..after sometime, you stop acknowledging new additions because you’re so used to people tossing it into your jar..Everything is bid goodbye to; memories, people, places, things, feelings, happiness, pain, hunger..Everything..you become addicted to this cycle after a bit. It drives you to the point of insanity where you greet people you meet for the first time with a “Goodbye”. You expect people to leave and they do..they will..And even if they don’t, addiction to this sweet meat coaxes you to push them away..or leave. And then that’s what life becomes all about..Goodbyes.

Till one day, that one last goodbye takes your beautiful breath away. That’d be the last goodbye..the one that only drug addicts on the verge of death know of..the one that sea conches sound of..The one that blue inks write about..the goodbye that does not break you off a little anymore, but reclaims all your lost pieces like a strong magnet, to make you whole for one last time..that last goodbye from life, as beautiful as it is, is the transcendental Nemesis with the serenest face you even would have seen. That one last goodbye would be the one that really matters.

That one last goodbye is the one you need to embrace..eyes closed in submission..and hands stretched out..As if it were perfection.

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Stranger than fiction..

Facts of life. Sometimes our imagination throws up scenarios that are entirely plausible..and scary!!.
Like a life altering rickshaw ride or the train journey of a lifetime.
Tibetians have an interesting theory. They say that to think of something..anything is to give it substance. Giving it substance admits the possibility of it occurring.
Admitting the possibility of the existence of said thought is to accept that its probable.
Just think about it. Imagine if we could view all possibilities, everything that “could have been”.
When u flip a coin, it could land on either side. Equal chance. And at that moment there’s a split. A world where the coin showed heads, and one where tails came up.
Just pause for a moment and consider. what if everything u ever wanted, existed somewhere. In some plane of existence there’s a version of you that has everything going for you.
On the other hand, think again. What if our world was a sort of punishment for all sins. If we be ‘good lil people’, our consciousness will move on to another plane.
Again, lets think about “Sin” and mastery of our Desires. What constitutes Sin? Giving in to our desires? Or restraining them?
What leads to desires? “Wanting”. What is “Wanting”? It’s the product of mental activity. An envisionment. A muse. A thought. Something we think of.
I paraphrase myself.
Tibetans say that to think of something..anything is to give it substance. Giving it substance admits the possibility of it occurring.
Admitting the possibility of the existence of said thought is to accept that its probable.
So maybe “thinking” isn’t a Sin. And maybe “wanting” isn’t either. And “wanting” is “Desire”.
So is “desire” really a Sin?

Einstein gave the theory of a 4th dimension. “TIME”. He gave the theory of “Frame of reference”. An observational frame of reference, often referred to as a physical frame of reference, a frame of reference, or simply a frame, is a physical concept related to an observer and the observer’s state of motion. We adopt the view expressed by Kumar and Barve: an observational frame of reference is characterized only by its state of motion. However, there is lack of unanimity on this point. In special relativity, the distinction is sometimes made between an observer and a frame.
In simple words, frame of reference is what the observer sees with respect to movement of something.
Newton gave an example :
Suppose that you own two clocks, which both tick at exactly the same rate. You synchronize them so that they both display exactly the same time. The two clocks are now separated and one clock is on a fast moving train, traveling at constant velocity towards the other. According to Newton, these two clocks will still tick at the same rate and will both show the same time. Newton says that the rate of time as measured in one frame of reference should be the same as the rate of time in another. That is, there exists a “universal” time and all other times in all other frames of reference will run at the same rate as this universal time irrespective of their position and velocity.

Just imagine this: According to Frame of Reference, “Times in all other frames of reference will run at the same rate as this universal time irrespective of their position”.
If there *is* another universe with our stereotypes, the “time” will obviously be same, irrespective of their position. Now suppose I murder someone at 4 30pm on 27th February, 2010. According to “Law of Frame of reference”, an observational frame of reference is characterized only by its state of motion. My state of motion being the murder. The frame of reference at that instant is frozen forever. Now my stereotype (let’s call her X) does not commit murder at 4 30pm because she’s busy getting the chewing gum out of her shoe, does that mean I’m still guilty?
Let’s go a step further. Suppose she kills the person at 4 30 while I’m busy putting my iPod on charging, would I be condemned for nothing?
That leads me to another question.
Is this why bad things happen to us from time to time? As a consequence (read more likely a punishment) of what our stereotype/pseudo “us” did in one frame of reference. Since time is “universal”, does it imply that me and X are actually linked? Just like the two watches that were synchronized on that train.

The three dimensions of the universe are:
1. Length
2. Width
3. Height/Depth.
Fact#: These dimensions can be altered.
The understanding of three-dimensional space in humans is thought to be learned during infancy using unconscious inference, and is closely related to hand-eye coordination. The visual ability to perceive the world in three dimensions is called depth perception.
Now, Einstein added “Time” to the dimensions. It is also learned during infancy with reference to acknowledging “mornings” and “evenings”. An infant sleeps at night because he knows it’s night.
If X alters time and does not kill, I wouldn’t probably face the punishment for the crime! If I could go back and rectify each mistake I made, X would not have to bear the repercussions of my wrong doings. We could perhaps alter time and move much ahead in life.
What if it is “time” that brings us to make mistakes in the first place? What if punishment is the only way to redemption?..Weird questions that come to you when you’re sitting in a comfy bean bag, sipping a cuppa (coffee caffeine, whatever), just pondering ‘pon over life. And what if this coffee, that destroys our brain cells by the minute is actually a punishment of our stereotypic version who’s committed a sin? Look on the other side. What is this cuppa, is actually a reward?
You never know (:

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