Tag Archives: death

So far away..somewhere among the clouds..

I wonder what his last thoughts were as he tied the noose around his neck..Was he crying? Did he take one last look at his possessions? Did he walk out of his room, take one deep breath thinking all the time to himself that it would be his last? Did he look one last time through his phone and the pictures of all his family..? I wonder what he felt when he saw the picture of his mum..Did he thank her for giving him life? Or did he curse her for not helping him out when he reached out? Did he call her? Did he cry thinking about how he wouldn’t get to hear her voice ever again? Did he get scared? Was he afraid of death? Or was he scared to live anymore?

I don’t understand. How do people randomly decide one fine day to just stop living? How do they decide to stop fucking existing? What goes through their mind when they stand up on the chair and tighten the noose around them? Do you just close your eyes when it’s happening and wait there hanging in mid air? Or do you just close your eyes and it’s over? Is it easy? Does it hurt?

I fucking refuse to believe that things can get so worse that you decide to take everything away from yourself. I refuse to believe that one fine day, you just decide to walk out on yourself. I refuse to believe that there isn’t a way out. Taking your life is the easiest way out, isn’t it? I refuse to believe that life gets so hard that you decide to end it.

I’ve always wondered what I would do if I was at the end of my tunnel. Suicide is an option I’ve never considered. I promised myself that if such a day would come in my life, I would walk out on everything I know and start all over on my own somewhere else. Death isn’t the fucking way to go. It’s not even an option.

It’s scary when someone you just happen to pass by everyday in college, who studied in the same college as you, sat in the seat you sat in last year and was probably present in the lift when you went up or down is no longer alive. It’s scary to imagine how his roommate must have felt walking into his room to find a dead body hanging from the fan. It’s scary when a person who once walked among you suddenly stops existing. It’s scary when that person stops being a person anymore. I know life gets fucking crazy at times..I know it gets so scary at times, that you don’t know where to go or what to do. But I don’t understand how you can just give up on everything like that! How you can be so detached from everything around you that nothing holds you back..I don’t understand.

What about your parents? They’re the last people that come to your mind right? How can that not stop you? How could you even imagine hurting them so bad? What drove you to that point? There was NOTHING that stopped you from looking back? How can you decide one fine day to just not exist anymore? There had to be something to hold you back..something that could make you stay..something that would prevent you from doing this..Were things so bad that you decided to take your own fucking life?

This sucks. All of this sucks. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and just stay that way for a long time. And call me narcissistic but I wish, for once in my life that I could call up a friend, someone who knows me inside out and tell them how I feel..or probably just listen to them breathe..This feels so fucking weird. It’s so fucking easy to walk away from life..so difficult living it..But this difficulty is what keeps us going. It’s funny how life gives you so many chances at every step, but how you don’t even give it one. It’s funny how the same sunset I saw after he died was the one he never lived to see. It’s funny how he’s non existent all of a sudden..how he WAS and never “IS” or “WILL BE”.

I did not know you very well RS..But I know you were there..maybe in the same lift as me sometimes..maybe in the mess during lunch break..Maybe you sat in the same place I did last year..in the auditorium during events..I know you were there. I just wish you had have spoken to someone. I wish you had walked away from all your mess instead of your life..I wish you had stayed to find out if your future was worth the pain you inflicted upon yourself.

I hope it’s good that far away, among the clouds..

R.I.P.

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Goodbye

It’s the same bloody thing every time. You walk into someone’s life..start reaching out and before you know, it’s already time to say goodbye. I fucking hate that word but for some reason, my life has formed an unending parasitic bond with the word. It’s always been about people walking in and walking out.

The funniest thing is that it does not stir any sort of emotion now. Sure there’s this stomach clenching feeling and there’s this big fat lump in my throat because I only know too well how it goes. How the collateral damage feels.

Every person who’s walked into my life has taught me the same thing over and over again: Don’t trust or let people in; talk to them from behind your walls. But I’m sick of learning the same fucking thing again and again. I hate that page and I wish I could erase every word.

Or maybe rip that page apart, burn it and warm my hands in the fire. But for sake of sanity, I have imbibed the teachings only too well, learnt to apply it in real life; except for this vestigial organ they call the heart that yearns to unlearn all those lessons for this unbearable ache and desire to see light.

There is no light though. I don’t want there to be any. I’ve seen it and it’s bright and warm for some time but after someone decides that too much of it has been felt, the same light burns and blinds; so much that you forget to see anything around you. Or anyone around you. I don’t mind plunging into darkness. I’m not afraid of it; only too familiar with its workings and patterns. You can hide; stay oblivious to things you don’t want to see, things you don’t want to feel. It’s not scary, nor is it lonely. It’s safe, protected. You feel like a snail inside a dark shell and you don’t feel like leaving; You only feel like staying in forever and soon, you make it Home.

It doesn’t matter how many people come knocking your door, holding a kerosene lamp, offering you to show the way. You forget everything. The darkness around you slowly pilfers into every pore and slowly creep into your heart in spiraling motions, churning out the insides to make place for this Darkness. It isn’t a disease, no; it’s Acceptance. Of things that will never come your way..things that you hold in your heart..wishes and longings that will never come true. And when you let go of all this, you need to let something fill the void.

People try to fill this void. Little do they know that every nook of this four chambered machine is stone cold. Frozen. Dead. No amount of warmth gets it beating; no amount of knocking helps either for the hinges rusted over time do not as little as move 1/8th  of a degree. They keep knocking, keep wanting it; some even fall in love with this darkness but for how long can you keep knocking without hurting your own fingers? They give up and turn away, leaving you with another goodbye in your carefully decorated jar of goodbyes.

This Goodbye jar eventually fills upto the brim..after sometime, you stop acknowledging new additions because you’re so used to people tossing it into your jar..Everything is bid goodbye to; memories, people, places, things, feelings, happiness, pain, hunger..Everything..you become addicted to this cycle after a bit. It drives you to the point of insanity where you greet people you meet for the first time with a “Goodbye”. You expect people to leave and they do..they will..And even if they don’t, addiction to this sweet meat coaxes you to push them away..or leave. And then that’s what life becomes all about..Goodbyes.

Till one day, that one last goodbye takes your beautiful breath away. That’d be the last goodbye..the one that only drug addicts on the verge of death know of..the one that sea conches sound of..The one that blue inks write about..the goodbye that does not break you off a little anymore, but reclaims all your lost pieces like a strong magnet, to make you whole for one last time..that last goodbye from life, as beautiful as it is, is the transcendental Nemesis with the serenest face you even would have seen. That one last goodbye would be the one that really matters.

That one last goodbye is the one you need to embrace..eyes closed in submission..and hands stretched out..As if it were perfection.

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