I remember that tranquilizing sound the crystal wind chime made as a gush of wind hit it..Ofcourse it was windy outside. And chilly.
Monsoons are here, I thought to myself, as I braced myself and ran. I was cold
This should do it..The running.It’ll keep me warm..
I stopped when I couldn’t breathe. I was warmed up enough to sit down to catch my breath. I looked around into the cold, wet, dark scenery that lay before me and scanned for a bench in the vicinity.
I don’t know how long I sat there..At first, I was okay; my mind preoccupied with making an effort to breath. The clouds above grumbled, threatening to tear apart any moment. But that wasn’t the only storm brewing.
After I found that I could breath easily, they came..rushing..Everything. Like lightning. A flash of it and everything I’d been holding on to was gone.
We’d hugged..It was more like an embrace. But then couples embrace, don’t they? It wasn’t even a hug; I stood there lifeless, cold and indifferent while he put his arms around me, pulled me in and let his tear drops fall on my bare neck. He held me like I was a ragged doll with cotton stuffing that would pour out if not held tightly. And with one last breath that tickled down my neck, he let me go. The lights had gone out a few hours back so we had to light a few candles. And now those candles, with all their wax melted, were dying out slowly. The wax, dripping onto the expensive carpets bothered me.
The room grew darker. The moment grew longer. The words lingering on our lips grew heavier. His fingers, holding remnants of me grew tighter. The once comfortable silence now turned ominous.
I had to go. I had to run away. I could not stand the sight of us breaking into pieces; just as I could not stand the sight of us filling each other with our stuffing..the sight of completing each other.
I was used to this void within me and everything that touched this empty space always served to open up a lot of doors..Doors I was afraid to open..I was constantly afraid of facing what was behind these doors and finding something that would only conjure up some kind of pain or feelings of any sort at all. I was okay not feeling anything all the time. I had to run. I had to go away. I had to go so I could live with myself.
“I hoped to love you someday..If you’d let me..”
I looked up from my bench and surveyed the population around me. No, he isn’t here. But I thought I’d heard him say his last few words again..The words he said before I ran out into the dark, rainy night.
I must keep running if I want to take my mind off things such as these..I must keep forgetting how to breath so that in making an effort to do so, I forget momentarily. I must keep running if I want to feel any warmth at all..
Just like the last time, I wiped the tears off my face with the back sleeve of my white pullover. Exasperated with the stain my smudged mascara made on the ivory white sweater, I picked my physical self up from the bench; self loathing touching orgasmic levels, and ran off into the much familiar darkness. Mentally, I was still there in that dark room with him, smiling at him when he smiled back at me after I told him that I wanted the same thing for us.
My ears kept ringing of that tranquilizing sound the crystal wind chime made as a gush of wind hit it..
I’d hoped to love you too..If I could let myself..