It’s the same bloody thing every time. You walk into someone’s life..start reaching out and before you know, it’s already time to say goodbye. I fucking hate that word but for some reason, my life has formed an unending parasitic bond with the word. It’s always been about people walking in and walking out.
The funniest thing is that it does not stir any sort of emotion now. Sure there’s this stomach clenching feeling and there’s this big fat lump in my throat because I only know too well how it goes. How the collateral damage feels.
Every person who’s walked into my life has taught me the same thing over and over again: Don’t trust or let people in; talk to them from behind your walls. But I’m sick of learning the same fucking thing again and again. I hate that page and I wish I could erase every word.
Or maybe rip that page apart, burn it and warm my hands in the fire. But for sake of sanity, I have imbibed the teachings only too well, learnt to apply it in real life; except for this vestigial organ they call the heart that yearns to unlearn all those lessons for this unbearable ache and desire to see light.
There is no light though. I don’t want there to be any. I’ve seen it and it’s bright and warm for some time but after someone decides that too much of it has been felt, the same light burns and blinds; so much that you forget to see anything around you. Or anyone around you. I don’t mind plunging into darkness. I’m not afraid of it; only too familiar with its workings and patterns. You can hide; stay oblivious to things you don’t want to see, things you don’t want to feel. It’s not scary, nor is it lonely. It’s safe, protected. You feel like a snail inside a dark shell and you don’t feel like leaving; You only feel like staying in forever and soon, you make it Home.
It doesn’t matter how many people come knocking your door, holding a kerosene lamp, offering you to show the way. You forget everything. The darkness around you slowly pilfers into every pore and slowly creep into your heart in spiraling motions, churning out the insides to make place for this Darkness. It isn’t a disease, no; it’s Acceptance. Of things that will never come your way..things that you hold in your heart..wishes and longings that will never come true. And when you let go of all this, you need to let something fill the void.
People try to fill this void. Little do they know that every nook of this four chambered machine is stone cold. Frozen. Dead. No amount of warmth gets it beating; no amount of knocking helps either for the hinges rusted over time do not as little as move 1/8th of a degree. They keep knocking, keep wanting it; some even fall in love with this darkness but for how long can you keep knocking without hurting your own fingers? They give up and turn away, leaving you with another goodbye in your carefully decorated jar of goodbyes.
This Goodbye jar eventually fills upto the brim..after sometime, you stop acknowledging new additions because you’re so used to people tossing it into your jar..Everything is bid goodbye to; memories, people, places, things, feelings, happiness, pain, hunger..Everything..you become addicted to this cycle after a bit. It drives you to the point of insanity where you greet people you meet for the first time with a “Goodbye”. You expect people to leave and they do..they will..And even if they don’t, addiction to this sweet meat coaxes you to push them away..or leave. And then that’s what life becomes all about..Goodbyes.
Till one day, that one last goodbye takes your beautiful breath away. That’d be the last goodbye..the one that only drug addicts on the verge of death know of..the one that sea conches sound of..The one that blue inks write about..the goodbye that does not break you off a little anymore, but reclaims all your lost pieces like a strong magnet, to make you whole for one last time..that last goodbye from life, as beautiful as it is, is the transcendental Nemesis with the serenest face you even would have seen. That one last goodbye would be the one that really matters.
That one last goodbye is the one you need to embrace..eyes closed in submission..and hands stretched out..As if it were perfection.