I think the toughest thing on Earth is when you love a person so much that letting go kills you, but at the right time, words don’t come out. & all you really wanna do is scream & hold them & never let them go..tell them how much you love them & how you can’t do without them. It’s a hollow feeling & tears are what you befriend after all of it.
This is exactly how I feel when mum goes away from me. It’s downright sickening that I live so far away from her. Everyday, every second of everyday, I wish I hadn’t chosen this life for myself. I wish I could have my mum with me everywhere I go. I know I’ve blogged about this before..but this pain that’s searing through me right now is suffocating..choking me..& I don’t wanna cry tonight. I don’t wanna reminisce every moment spent with her cause I know I’ve lost the few instances where I could have told her that I need her to be there with me..not just now..forever. & even after that.
& even though I’ve let far too many people drift away from me & I know I should be accustomed to it’s post implications, it’s always too hard to let go of her. Even though I know she’s always gonna be there.
She’s the best thing in the world..& I miss her. I miss her a lot. I think I know what true love really means.
For my ostensible fucked up life, true love is my mum.
& just like I want her back into my life forever & not just when I visit her or vice-versa, I wish I could undo all those other relations & people I let go. I wish I could have my best friend back. I wish I could I have the one I dreamed my life with back. I wish I could have my first good friend at SIMC back. I wish I could have that one last chance to go back & change what took me away from them.
I wish I could undo these first few months, turn back time & stay in Mumbai with mumma & my sister & puppy. & dad.
Yes, this is the worst blog post ever. But I stopped crying. So what the hell. Fuck it.