Dysphoria. Faux pas. & the burning cigarette.

It’s difficult to breathe when you breathe only to keep alive. Deep breaths when your tear glands refuse to give up their downpour. You look up & see this big..void..right in the middle. Like a vacuum sucking all your happiness & hope up. Suddenly, you’re the biggest disappointment to yourself. You black out for most of the part. No amount of fagging does it. No amount of blocking it out lessens the pain. & there’s a point, a certain limit to the facade you put on. After that, it just falls apart..breaks down..
So you put on your shades even when it’s dark because the light hurts & because you don’t want anyone to see your tears. Insensitive bitch that you are, you think the facade won’t give you away. & it doesn’t since you’re adept like that.

Hello Bitch. Long time, no see? You knew it would come around. But in potentially career damaging way? Yes, this is the beast we must fret. Pernicious & noxious as ever. Just the way it’s meant to be.
Is redemption here? No. This is goes on. Like the one card that you nip off & the stack falls down complicating your already bleeding life.
You’re lost in transition. Like a delirium. Horrid images. You miss him don’t you? Miss him being there for you?
You stay up all night thinking the “what ifs”.
What if I had studied harder?
What if I had stayed?
What if I had listened to mum?
What if I had pushed a little harder?
It isn’t just a phase that life pushes you into & guarantees a return, a phase which gets over sooner than you can spell sooner. It’s a conquest, a victory that seduces Karma to smile & say, “What were you running away from?”.

It’s microscopic. One decision that lead you to there. Like your entire being was depending on that one decision that you made. Destiny is Karma’s man whore. No one makes their own destiny. They all play into the hands of what Karma you do.
No life isn’t fair. They said it wouldn’t be. They said it throws shit at you all the time. What matters is how you avoid standing in the path of destruction.
What they didn’t tell us was what to do when the road was narrow & cordoned off, when there was no way to “avoid”. Where do you run? Where do you hide? What do you do to stop the pain from eating you? How do you face the world? Live through the taunts? Without him?

A million questions. No answer. No one to answer. Scream your name into the bereft & you don’t even hear an echo. See that’s just the end. You wish for the end. & little by little, you drift away.

The cigarette is the only thing that shines through the night.

[♪Now on replay : Be yourself by Audioslave ♪]

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2 thoughts on “Dysphoria. Faux pas. & the burning cigarette.

  1. Interesting read…. Liked the way you putted it across..
    and loved the last line “The cigarette is the only thing that shines through the night”

  2. Hin says:

    I’m using this for our magazine…The theme’s focus :)

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