Silent musings

The number of emotions a person feels in a span of mere 24 hours amazes me. It’s funny how the minutest of the things are pivotal in deciphering how the day’s gonna be, how “emotions” conflict & mutate giving rise to the unforeseen. & specially when you don’t know how you feel the way you do, it’s like everything’s on another page all together.
As of now, the last couple of hours have been weird. This night is vaguely & unusually sad. & I don’t know why.
Withdrawal symptoms? No.
PMS? No bro.
I don’t really know.

I guess I’m scared somewhere deep down. Scared that I’ve let too many people in too deep way too fast.
Scared that the more emotionally attached I get to people, the tougher the detachment would be. Scared of being in company & then feeling more alone than loneliness itself.

Loneliness. That’s what gives me my exuberance. The knowing that it’s just *me* I have to deal with gives me peace enough to not need anyone & become cold. But I’ve been there & even though it’s a pleasant place to be in, it hampers almost all relations that matter – family, best friends, siblings you get the drift.

Why would it be any different anyway? All people really do is enter & exit my life at their disposition & comfort. I’ve lost so many close people in my life that I take it that it is deemed to happen always. I’m beginning to think it’s my fault..that there’s some flaw in me. & I love myself way too much to think like that about myself.

New relations/bonds in my life are probably the reason. I’ve been getting really close to some people lately. Don’t get me wrong, I like being there for someone when they need an ear. But..pouring myself out in front of them is something that I am not totally in favor of. Not because I don’t trust them.
Because I know they’ll leave too. & getting emotionally attached hurts more when it’s over. & I’m not being hypocritical, but it’s a coercion. It *has* to happen – people leaving me. & it’s not like I really care. But it hampers my faith in people..in humanity & all things good.
So when I break down or am about to tell one of my best friends my problem, there’s a lil voice in my head that goes like, “Wait up yo. Don’t trust no one. They’re gonna leave & you’re gonna hurt”. So I don’t because I love myself.
& because time’s proven me right.

I hate asking myself if I’m doing the right thing by trusting people, if I’m ready to hurt again when they leave, if I have strength enough to resist becoming cold.

It was a perfect evening! I was happy. People around me were happy. I was having fun on my BBM & poof. All the laughter evaporates into thin air.
Why?
No idea bro.

I read this somewhere :
“The pearls weren’t really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little
knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that..knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn’t come apart.”

I probably like the idea of being alone way to much.